The In-Between

Last night I had a dream that I was talking on the phone with my grandma Jackie, while navigating a complicated dreamscape obstacle course, meant to be a Metro North commute winding through upstate New York. In this fantastical world, full of rusty platforms and marshes and prairie and impossible greens and blues in watercolor texture around me, I found comfort in the familiar feeling. In my waking life, these particular types of train journeys always fill me with a warm sense of joy and nostalgia. I feel held in my memories, held in the promise of adventure, and held in the care of my family taking little me from place to place. In my dream, I felt connected to those feelings still, as wildly different and unlikely as the changing landscape was around me.

I can’t remember exactly what we said. It felt like small talk or catching up. However, the feeling of talking to her is still palpable within me. The warmth and the grounded security of the known world and familiar habits. The sound of her voice. Or rather, the feeling of hearing her voice. The knowing has stayed with me as well. The knowing that she was happy with me & where I’m at, and that she was proud. The awareness of the pride that this awoke in me. The feeling of that pride in my body.

My grandma died two years ago at the beginning of Leo season, just a few days before her birthday. I cried and then I packed up a truckful of stuff from her apartment and furnished the former Root Mamma. We had big grandma energy down there for a reason. Unpacking and setting up our new home in Portland, I’ve been unearthing bits of her energy as well. Holding some things closer and letting some go. Her art nouveau prints proudly displayed in the living room, her gaudy jeweled cross pendant on my altar, and finally recycling her old nightgown. Then there are the whispers of her; the signs, the messages. She hasn’t seemed too far, these last two years. The giant stone frog who appeared under the front bush when we were in need of an animal totem was certainly a message and a gift from her.

The in-between can be tricky to navigate. Like the neon landscapes of my dreams, the path is at times hazy & twisting, the final destination is unknown, and nothing is quite what it seems. Have I been here before?

I left New York City at the end of May after having lived there for nearly ten years. My plate was full and my cup was empty, and I needed a change of pace. My heart was full and my wallet was empty, and I needed a blank slate. My belly was full and my coffee was empty, and I needed to look at the world through fresh eyes.

I thought that leaving would be like a lightswitch turning off, and that I would ride my long exhale of relief into the sunset. But, no. I brought my worries and my post-its with me to our two week tenure in Syracuse, NY, as we prepared for our month load road trip and impending engagement & send-off party. I stayed in go-go-go mode until all the bottles were popped, goodbye hugs were given, and our final bags were packed.

And then, we were off! Motion became our religion, our normal, our refuge. Everything was temporary. Everything was a lesson. Everything was a blessing. Everything was a challenge. Adaptation was necessary. Expectations needed to be unequivocally released. There was so much beauty. The stories are still making their way through me.

Throughout the journey West, I felt the sensation of slowly breaking free of the energetic ties I held with Brooklyn. Ties formed with the many, many people I interacted with, and my world there. I felt like I was maneuvering and slipping out of elusive knots and ropes and chains. Like the wind and water and sun were cleansing me, exfoliating my aura. That our constant motion, and our zig-zagging route across the US, would make it impossible for any energies to follow.

And then, the rolling camera came to a halt, and suddenly we were here. Suddenly, I was here with all of my energies and memories and unresolved experiences. All of the threads, still loose. All of the fears and anxieties and doubts, still here. All of my hopes and dreams, too. Present with me, concentrated and enclosed in the space of four walls, with no motion to hide or distract me. I finally switched my watch from New York time.

What I’m striving to do, is to work through all of these feelings-- everything that’s been unearthed & shaken up. Everything that’s here is here for a reason. I am sincerely grateful for this thorough tumble dry, though. It’s forcing me to look at everything, and to decide what to bring with me into the next phase of my life. It’s forcing me to acknowledge which habits I’m willing to work hard to change, and to actually have to put in the effort to change them. I cannot simply move into my new world, while maintaining in my old shape. That has never been what I wanted to do. I know (and the universe knows) that my intention is to craft a new kind of life. A life that allows for optimum happiness and health. A life that is fulfilling, creatively and professionally. A life that is abundant in finances, resources, and beauty. A life where I am truly living my best life, and not getting in my own way. Like Alice in Wonderland, I need to adapt to the size of the keyhole, in order to arrive at my chosen destination.

And so, it’s a process, like everything always is. I am being gentle with myself, and patient, without being lazy. My wheels are churning and I know that the healing & feeling that I do on a daily basis are as important as my job search or sending out newsletters. I feel great things coming from myself. I feel them wanting to burst through into being. I feel Virgo season, waiting impatiently to kick my ass into gear. I feel opportunities, I feel abundance, and I feel them coming soon. I also feel the challenges, the tiny bones being re-broken so that they can heal properly. Mostly, I feel my progress, I notice my accomplishments & the hard work that I am doing, and I feel proud. Thank you for hearing me, and for sharing in my joy at this beautiful fresh slate that is the next chapter of my life. I hope that you are able to grant yourself a similar permission to be, to process, and to feel proud of exactly where you’re at. <3